


Always Close Enough

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-03
Updated: 2012-06-03
Packaged: 2018-08-16 16:29:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,113
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8109535
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: The first story written for the 2012 Vamb Ficlet/Drabble exchange that went feral and overshot the word limit.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again to Major Ryan for the great first sentence and another big thank you and hugs to Kim J for her wonderful beta but I have fiddled with it since, so all mistakes are mine.

_“Careful Commander. Putting me on a pedestal so high, you may not be able to reach me.”_

What the hell!

I stared at her dumbfounded. “Really Kathryn? That’s what you have to say?”

Her eyes cut towards me; her look could have melted duranium but after almost seven years as her second in command, I was virtually impervious to the Janeway death glare.

Our untouched coffees sat on her desk – my treat after a long haul of monthly reports – but this had not been a happy meeting. Kathryn had been distracted and short tempered all evening. I’d tried to lighten the mood by sharing a few meatier morsels of lower decks’ gossip before asking her to join me later on the holodeck for a game of velocity. I figured she could blow off some steam shooting at targets and/or me but she turned down the invitation and seemed determined to remain irritable and out of sorts.

I let out a slow exhale – great, yet another night of Kathryn maintaining the rage.

I had no idea what I’d done to invoke her wrath but the constant grumbling was wearing me down and with our deteriorating moods ricocheting off one another, it was probably time to call it a night.

This had been happening a lot lately. One minute she was all smiles and witty comebacks, and the next, she was snarky and mean – there seemed to be no middle ground. Her ‘pedestal’ comment was a case in point. She’d been complaining about the lack of time management skills in Engineering and I’d simply smiled at her and said that it was lucky she was above all that. It was a throw away comment, harmless enough as far as I was concerned, but here I was in the firing line again. Same old, same old.

At least she had the good grace to blush, but I’d had enough and was determined to call her out on the brash remark – I’d let too many slide by in the past. Holding her gaze, I waited for her to say something – maybe an apology or at least an acknowledgment that her comment was out of line – but she remained tight-lipped and stubbornly silent. I had to hand it to her; she was unflappable in a crisis.

She held my gaze without wavering, determination written in the set of her jaw, her familiar blue eyes riveted to mine. I was resolute that I wasn’t going to be the one to look away. The silent battle began but I found myself unerringly drawn. Her gaze was mesmerizing. Her eyes were, without a doubt, the most expressive I’d ever seen. When one looked closely enough, everything was reflected there – _absolutely everything._

It took me several moments to process exactly what I was seeing, but like a slow burn, realization dawned – its dazzling heat seeping up from my toes until it exploded in my chest. I couldn’t move or breathe. For the first time in all the years I’d known her, the truth was there for me to see. The wonderful, exhilarating truth.

I took a small step forward but she tensed, eyes wide, like a deer caught in a headlight. It was a ridiculous thought considering this was Kathryn Janeway, but I had an awful feeling that if I moved too quickly or said the wrong thing, she would bolt and vanish. I raised my hands in a stupidly placating gesture before taking another tentative step forward. “Kathryn?”

She grabbed several PADDs from the desk and clutched them to her chest as a makeshift barrier between us; however, she seemed ambivalent about maintaining her distance although, she finally dragged her gaze away from mine. Without her eyes pinning me in place, I was able to move again but I still wasn’t sure of what was happening. Both of us were desperately trying to read the other and neither of us seemed to know what to do next.

Her body language was all over the place, and I was confused but I needed to see her eyes again to be sure of what I’d seen. Bending down slightly, I manoeuvred my head into her line of vision. She couldn’t avoid me and met my gaze. The look was steely but I could see trepidation along with something else shimmering in their depths.

It was the ‘something else’ that had me riveted to the deck plating and robbed me of my ability to speak.

After all this time! Could it really be?

I’d imagined this moment – the scenario where we finally revealed our feelings for one another. It was one of my most treasured fantasies. In it, I was gallant and self-assured; she was graceful and poised as we declared our devotion to one another before seamlessly stepping into each other’s arms. The rest I left up to my very vivid imagination.

Unfortunately, the reality was a far cry from my fantasy. Instead of Sir Galahad, I’d morphed into a gawping, mute moron and she looked positively terrified.

So much for gallantry and poise.

I still wasn’t sure what to do but saw her forehead began to furrow and knew that she was retreating, placing those barriers between us. I couldn’t let her do that. I had to do something.

I finally convinced my legs to work and shuffled in front of her as she took another couple of sidling steps towards the middle of the room.

“Kathryn?”

This time she rolled her eyes, clearly exasperated by my stupidity. “Is that all you can say? Yes, it’s me and no, I haven’t been possessed by an alien entity.”

“I didn’t think you had.”

“The look on your face says otherwise.”

“I’m sorry. You just took me by surprise. I’m not used to you being so openly flirt…forthright about… us… this.” I gave a pathetic wave between us and stifled a groan. Smooth, Chakotay, really smooth. I was seriously considering punching myself in the face.

She shrugged and dumped the PADDs back on the desktop, crossed her arms and pinned me with a brutal glare. “No, it’s fine, you can say it. You’re not used to me being so openly flirtatious. You’re right. I’m out of practice with this sort of thing and have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never done this before.”

That revelation had me gaping, slack-jawed in surprise. Yet, another masterful move. “Huh? _Never?_ But you were engaged to be married…I thought…”

Her voice rose half an octave as she snapped, “Oh for God’s sake, Chakotay! I’m not talking about sex. Could you be more obtuse or insulting?” Then she muttered under her breath, “God! I must be even worse at this than I thought.” Pressing her fingertips to her forehead – no doubt staving off an inevitable headache – she huffed loudly. “I meant that I’ve never tried to seduce a member of my crew before – and now I know why – I’m terrible at it. _This,”_ She stabbed at the air between us, “is the reason why there are rules about this sort of thing.” Rubbing her hands over her face, she looked up at me, her shoulders slumping. “Forget I said anything. It was insane of me to think that this was a remotely good idea… “ Words failed her. “Oh God, I can’t do this; I shouldn’t have even tried.”

I saw her inhale shakily and my heart ached for her – and for me – but then the steel returned and she stood ramrod straight. “I’m going to my quarters. You have the Bridge.”

I couldn’t let her leave. This was the closest we’d ever come to breaching the rigid walls of protocol and addressing those dreaded ‘feelings that must not be named’. I had to stop her before she withdrew completely so I did the first thing that came to mind; I mutinied. _“I refuse. I don’t want it!”_

She jagged to a stop.

This was crazy – crazy wonderful – and I had an overwhelming urge to laugh – or cry – I wasn’t sure which. What I dearly wanted to do was haul her into my arms, kiss her until I couldn’t breathe or she fainted – whichever came first. But then I realised she hadn’t moved.

She was staring at me but the raw hurt in her eyes made my breath still.

Two bright patches of red coloured her cheeks as she ground out through gritted teeth, “I know you don’t; you’ve made that abundantly clear – I’m not _that_ out of practice that I don’t know a knockback when I hear it. I apologise for my clumsy advances but there is no need to be so un…unkind.”

Her voice hitched on the last word and she looked devastated. I stared at her in shock and quickly rewound our conversation. I instantly realized my mistake. Oh, God! Stepping in front of her again, I reached for her upper arms – I could feel the muscles tense under my hands and her cold glare met mine. Her defences were on full deflect – not that I could blame her – but I needed to make her understand.

“No, no, Kathryn. That’s not what I meant. Of course, I want you – _God, you have no idea how much I want you_. I meant, I don’t want to take the Bridge.”

She just stared at me. “ _The Bridge!”_

I didn’t understand her reaction. “What?!”

She shook her arms free of my grip. “God, I thought I was bad at this but you take the prize, Commander.” With that, she stepped around me again and headed towards the door. She almost made it before I caught up with her.

I stepped in front of her again but from the look on her face, it was obvious that words weren’t working for us, so I decided that actions might be a better option. The old adage about them speaking louder than words rattled around in my head.

As she moved to brush past, I hooked one arm around her waist and pulled her against me; I just hoped she’d get the gist of what I was trying to say before she could reach for a phaser.

Clumsy was fast becoming our catchcry.

My move to grab her threw me off balance and we met in an awkward sideways embrace. She’d been heading in one direction, I’d been moving in the other and our momentum carried us in a sort of tottering crab-walk across the room. I bent to kiss her but missed her lips and caught a spot between her nose and cheek. Then the angle was all wrong and I found myself tilting precariously to starboard, wobbling on one leg before I righted myself.

It might have been comical if our future happiness didn’t depend on my ability to successfully retrieve this situation. But as her back gently thumped against the wall, our bodies folded around one another and with one hand I cupped her cheek and the other the soft curve of her neck as I leaned in and kissed her.

It was everything I imagined it would be – all warmth, sweetness and a touch of coffee – and the most magnificent kiss I’d ever experienced.

She still hadn’t responded though, so I kept my mouth soft, ghosting my lips across hers as our breath mingled. If she didn’t want this, I’d left her plenty of room to push away but a heartbeat later, she moaned and jolted against me, one hand curling into the front of my jacket and the other weaving into the hair on the back of my head as she tugged me close.

‘Tentative’ Kathryn was gone and she kissed me hard, open mouthed and a little frantically. _This_ was the Kathryn I imagined; this was what I’d dreamed about for years.

I don’t know how long we stood there kissing and touching but after what seemed like hours, she finally rested her hands on my chest and eased away.

She looked up at me, her eyes crinkling at the corners with the first genuine smile I’d seen in months. “There never was any pedestal was there?”

I shook my head and chuckled. “No, Kathryn, certainly none high enough that I couldn’t reach you.”

She thought that over for a moment and then shrugged before running her fingers down my cheek and over my lips. “Dinner, my quarters?”

I nodded. “Aye, Captain.”

She stepped out of my arms, patted her hair in place then smiled at me before tucking her arm through mine.

I revelled in the proprietary nature of the gesture and placed my hand over hers as we headed out the door.

This time we’d finally got it right.

 

fin


End file.
